You might notice that these first few posts were written at the beginning of August. Which means, I am still in Sacramento, not London.
Its completely in the realm of possibility that I will not go to London. Right now, I have a plane ticket to Heathrow with my name on it (on a very nice plane, I might add, courtesy of one of God's amazing children who just happens to also be a travel agent), my last day of work is set for Aug 18th, and my family has already arranged to drive me to San Francisco and see me off on Aug 31st.
There is one small snag.
I don't have a visa or a passport. I don't have a passport because the British Embassy in L.A. currently has possession of it with my visa application. I applied for this visa at the end of April. Yep, count it - 3 and a half months. As of two days ago, the status of my application was "deferred." And as the incredibly nice gentlement with a killer British/Scottish combo accent informed me, they were "not privy" to the details of why the embassy has yet to decide if I get my visa or not. He also told me in a most regretful tone that there was absolutely nothing I could do about my application except notify them in writing that I wanted it withdrawn.
As often as I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark, stubbing my toes on the furniture trying to find the door, this was not one of those times. When the guy said "there is absolutely nothing you can do," I knew that for right now, "by faith" means wait.
This is one I get. I've had practice with waiting. I've already waited 3 months with no sweat, no worry. And I'm not really worried right now, either. But this little situation has led me to realize a couple things about myself and this London deal.
First, I haven't really gotten excited about it yet. In fact, I don't yet really believe and know that I'm going to live in London. The only part of me that thinks that is the part of me that makes friends with the characters in books and dreams about the multitude of possibilities for my life. For a while, I didn't get excited about it because it was too far away. Now, I realize that I haven't fully owned London because my visa hasn't come yet and I am really afraid of how disappointed I'll be if it falls through.
So, I admitted this to God a week ago while listening to a great message at church. His answer: Trust Me. By Faith.
I must have been just a little more surrendered, a little more sensitive to the Spirit than usual because normally, I will take that statement and make it match what I want. "Trust me that I will get your visa in time. Pack your clothes by faith. Trust that you will be in London." However, that wasn't what He was saying. Well, a little bit, but not the whole story. The real answer was "Trust Me with the whole deal. Trust me that I love you and that no matter what happens I have a purpose for your life and a plan for you to walk in. Trust me that I will make everything happen for you to go to London if that's what I want for you and trust me that I will help you deal with your disappointment if I have something else for you."
You know, even that much I can handle on a bad day. Its what came next that was hard to take. "By faith . . .fully invest yourself in getting ready for London."
I could psych myself out and pretend that God promised me London in order to give my heart permission to get excited and want to be there. Or I could keep myself guarded and not give London any place in my heart. But God wants me to live in reality and step out in faith. Make myself vulnerable. Venture into a desert before finding the land of promise. A desert gives no guarantees, no promises. You might find water the first day out, or you might be thirsty for a week. But just as God provided for Abraham through every desert, I know that He will provide for me too.
Which is good news, because I'm still having a hard time getting excited. Good thing I know that faith is action, "evidence of things unseen." You may not see me very excited, but I made a to-do list. I bought some things I need for the trip yesterday. I started this blog.
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Sister, I am so proud of you. I remember living with a frozen fear about telling people about Dusty because I was so afraid that I was wrong, and he might not be the one. How foolish would I look to my family and friends? How could I claim to hear God when I could be wrong on such a huge issue as the man I might marry?
God told me to get over myself and trust Him. To appeal to friends and family for prayer. To learn to still believe Him even if, indeed, His will was not that I marry that particular man. And- what really caught me off guard- He said, clearly, that just because He had me enter that relationship it didn't mean I'd marry Dusty. That one caught me totally off guard because I'd always assumed that if I were in any relationship of God's bidding it would only be with "the one".
You know how it all turned out :) I am so grateful to Christ that His will is so GOOD, and His ways so much higher than mine. I can't pretend to even begin to grasp His infinite wisdom. I can, however, attest to this, just as CS Lewis so eloquently put it in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe [paraphrase my own]:
Oh, heavens no, child- of course He's not safe! But He's good.
I'm excited to see all that God does in you and with you. Thank you for obeying Him and opening yourself to allowing others of us to come along for the journey.
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